No Control

No, I’m not planning to write about Bad Religion song ‘no control”, I have lost the respect for them when I start understanding the kingdom of God… I was laying in my bed some hours before New Year eve and was waiting for my friend Chopi to come and start a bottle of Jack Daniel’s (my favorite drink) and suddenly I started a reflection on the year that was passing. Man, many things has happened, many thing that I planned and many unplanned, hopes and dreams, some pass by some not, some brought me joy, some still hurts, Many times when I reflect upon my life I’m in sheer amazement, how come that a drug addict as I was some six years ago, was saved by Jesus, healed from hepatitis “C” has traveled half of the world (o.k. at least some countries), met so many friends, how come that I am what I am today. Ok back to the last year. If I can say what marked 2005 was that on the very beginning of the year I started e-mailing with a beautiful blond girl from the States called Erin and after a while we were writing every week. It was special relationship, both of us just said hi some years ago and no one of us hoped that I will stay in her home two years later and I will be drawn to her by a picture that was hanging on the wall of her parents' house. So mails were our love language and we haven’t met yet, but we made a plan that we will meet in Belgrade in May. In meantime I was praying a lot with the special element “your will, not mine”, this was my secure ground, for I knew that God means best for me. And May came, we met and we fell in love immediately, we had a crazy night on my balcony, I never had a girlfriend that sings while she kiss. So we had the ultimate romance, walking in Belgrade, kissing, sitting at the Kale Megdan and watching how the rivers Danube and Sava converge, talking about the future while the time has stopped, with the ever present sweetness in our souls, we have found each other, the missing link, the bone of my flesh. We spent the last night in a Latino bar, drinking beer, laughing at the idea Erin had that beer is made out of peanuts, and my heart was beating so hard on the idea to ask her to be my wife that same night--- the only thing holding me back was probably that it is not appropriate to ask a girl to be your wife just after week together, instead I said “ Erin what you will say if I come in December to America and ask you to be my wife?” on that she smiled with an awesome smile and said” you have to wait until then and get the answer” than with the love heat in my heart I asked her is she going to wait on me, on which she made her beautiful sound ” aaah, Alpin you don’t understand” and with the words in her eyes whispering” I have found the man that I was waiting for so long” . Then we spent some hours in my car, talking and loving each other, feeling like we know each other for ages. Finally we went home next morning, she in Lyons, Georgia with my leather necklace in her arm and tears in her eyes, me in Skopje Macedonia, with her leather-dove necklace, gold earrings and firm conviction that she is the one. Now there were thousand miles and seven months separating us until we meet again. I couldn’t wait, the days that were passing were miserable without her, on the other side of the ocean she was just watching in the sky calling my name; we were desperate for each other. Than I booked plane tickets get the visa and went there just a month after we met, but this time there was small box in my bag holding engagement ring. We had great nights sitting in her yard, drinking Jack and Coke, under the humid Georgian sky, but then everything went in some stupid direction. Her parents start pressuring us to decide what are we going to do for the future, and being with strong family ties they expected that I will move there, on the other hand I had strong conviction from God that I’m called for Macedonia, I mean the situation in Macedonia sucks and it is a hard life down here, but what if all of us escape, who will bring hope to this nation. So the fights begun, communication was getting worse and worse, both of us strong characters, not easy I tell you. Then one day I said” Ok this will not work out, after I finish the dread locks that I was doing to one guy, I’m leaving” Her heart was broken, mine broke when I realized how much I love her. We were both suffering, but I couldn’t move to America and she couldn’t move to Macedonia, the only way was to break the relationship. The days that followed were pure hell, I moved to another house near theirs, she went to Texas for several days. Than her sister worked out a little bit for us and we spoke on the phone saying that we love each other, so she came back from Texas and in meantime I was experiencing America through the lenses of pain, I would walk on the road in the heat of the day, I would seat in the forest by the pond, ride the four wheeler at the meadows trying to imagine my self there, I would light I cigarette hoping that pain will leave, but it was there down in my soul, just increasing on every thought on her. We were together again, but the magic was gone, we knew we had a situation we cannot resolve, but trying to ignore that brutal reality. The time for me to leave came. I came back in Macedonia with my soul scarred like with a hot iron. I couldn’t regain my life again, from time to time I would ride my mount bike to the woods, thing that I was doing so often. Two months passed and I phoned her and get the “I don’t love you anymore” thing. Another blow, left me without strength, everything that I could do is to trust God for my life, then I wrote the “ ruthless trust” song and the verse “ even though you kill me I will trust you again” What followed were months of depression, pain, emotional dreams dreaming Erin and her house, crazy times. So here I am again, rising again, trusting God again, laying in my bad reflecting the times, some memories were healed and don’t hurt anymore, and if you ask me am I going to fall in love again? Yes I will. Do I believe in love? Oh, yes I do, I refuse to become cynic or a chauvinistic bustard. I just realize I don’t have a control over my life, and the funny thing is that no matter how scary that is, I like it. Once my friend and mentor Tommie Naumann asked me “ do you know what is the secret of life free of boredom and full of adventure” I said out of nowhere” to loose control over your life” he smiled and said, you are right” TO LOOSE THE CONTROL….